We often seek out retreats, seminars, spa-cations, and niche conferences in hope of getting big change in motion. We imagine these escape-based events are part of the process of getting big life change underway. The problem is that big goals and big life change can only happen when we embed those endeavors into real life. What works well in the pristine and protected spaces offered by inspirational retreats tends to fail when tested against the the noise of our daily 24-7 365 lives. 

Escape-based retreats have value; they get us far enough away from the noise such that we have a better chance at hearing the muffled or muted inner voice of our truer, deeper desires. This is good.

But too many times the brief moments of clarity we encounter during a 4.5-day reprieve has no system in which it will thrive within the context of daily life. In our real lives too many trains have already left the station; too many assumptions and promises have been made, and we are lacking the structures and internal muscles to pile drive our desires through the raging rapids that propel us forth in the river of life. 

How do we achieve big change in real life? 

It’s beyond guru inspiration. It’s beyond the ten easy steps prescribed by the latest expert’s tome. Big change in the life of a busy, responsible, enmeshed, entangled, involved human requires a systematic rebuilding of everything that drives one’s mind, one’s emotions, and one’s desires. It calls for a reconfiguring of everything around that surrounds, supports and relies on that human. I

If you set out to achieve one big new goal you will fail if you do not first dig deep to redefine, in practical terms, a new life that will harmoniously house that goal. As you envision yourself crossing the finish line of a marathon, or volunteering in Africa, or signing a book you authored, or cradling a long-awaited child, you must superimpose that clear image over all that exists in your current life. In doing so you will begin to see that not everything can be fit into that one new big picture.  

There is a step-by-step process for defining your new life. There are more steps to accomplish the colossal un-choosing of 99% of the noise. There is then a rigorous daily practice of conscious curation required to continually foster a world around you that buoys your goals and intentions. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The What vs. the How

Too often we expect inspirational escapes to kick off and carry forth the long chain of difficult, systematic, process-oriented steps that are required to bridge from the idea and the feeling to the actual change we seek to achieve in real life. 

But there is a big difference between the what and the how. 

The What

The “what” sometimes starts with an escape. These are moments wherein we have permission to indulge in ideation and a broadening of options, like walking into a shopping mall and sampling every product without any rules or filters. We might wander down one corridor of ideas, and then skip down another meandering path of options. We entertain all, continually widening the pool of choices and influences. This enables us to safely envision ourselves against many possible future backdrops.

We can explore, pulling a given idea off a shelf and imagining ourselves living this way or that. How would it feel to wake up to do more hard thing, but doing them with purpose and without the drag of a toxic work environment? How would it feel to be surrounded by stable and emotionally safe people rather than continuing to carry the burden of managing a disordered partner? How would it feel to push pause on all the big goals I’ve joyfully achieved thus far in life? In that quietude, would I discover that something new is bubbling up within? Would I discover that I now desire something different? And what would it take to redirect the many moving parts of my current life toward a way of living that better suits what I crave? 

This process of broadening the options and taste testing many ways is a way of opening the door to a new “what.” But it is at that point that too many of us get tripped up on the next steps: the “how.” 

The How

Away from the fertile grounds offered by inspirational retreats, the guru book you read begins to collect dust. The retreat or conference you attended has no power over the detonated bomb that is Monday morning.

I am a professional change management project manager. I have spent decades applying my skills to help large global $40 billion-plus organizations, sometimes with over a million employees, achieve complex change on deadline. 

But when I sought to apply the advice of hundreds of gurus, authors, experts, advisors and therapists to effect real and lasting change in my own life, my skills proved no match for all the invisible barriers in my way. I was not lacking project management skills. I was lacking a means of lifting the invisibility cloak that kept the hidden barriers enshrouded.

Exasperated, I finally got real. I got ruthless. I got simple and metrics-oriented. WTF was in my way? Why could I not see it? By documenting everything I made the goals real and the hijackers even more so. A loved one said he loved me. Organizations said they supported me. Communities claimed to align with my values. Yet by documenting the truth of everyday events, I saw another story unfold. Words are tricksy disguises. Empirical data unveil the truth.

KindEdge – The Project of You

And so began my journey of big change in small, bite-sized, do-able steps that I now call KindEdge. Little tick marks and simple tracker spreadsheets are transformational tools will disarm any foe and slay any dragon. 

I built this for me. But I want this for everyone. I’m dying and so are you. We only have so many minutes left. The smallest action today will unlock the alternate ending to your life.

P.S. The attached graphic is a sketch of the KindEdge process. For me, after decades of trying other methods, this is simply what worked… in real life. I learned to do what works, in real life. Run experiments. Observe results without judgment. Keep what works. Toss the rest. You can design your life upside down, backwards and inside out if that’s what works for you, your energies, your wiring and your desires. 

A few more notes to end on: 

• This “how vs. what” narrowing vs. broadening description was my response to a friend who was seeing KindEdge as the “what.” He made parallels between my methods and programs like Esalen, the Omega Institute, and various artist retreats and villages. I saw that I had to delineate in crisper terms the value of those programs, but how very different they are from my KindEdge process. I always appreciate seeing things through others’ eyes. When I throw out a ball, it is in how it bounces back or ricochets at unexpected angles, that I see the truth. The mirror each of us has in our minds is flawed. It is only through real world trials and experiments that we behold the big picture of other people and things. 
• Experiments are part of the KindEdge.com process. They help us test out new practices in real life in order to keep or discard them as we pave a path toward big change.
• I’ve been asked if I’m a career coach or life coach; I am neither. I’ve simply built something and I want to hand it over before I die. It worked when so many other off-the-shelf methods did not. I’m happy to be a journey partner to ride along with you, or some sort of human change agent. The key is, I’m not the product. This is meant to be the Project of You.