I won’t attempt to convey my entire journey in a blog post, but I will lay down some key ties on the long stretch of railway.
I have long carried certain passions in my mind and in journals like a cherished burden. Hundreds of pages of in-progress notes, stories and plans were entombed many times along my chaotic last two decades. It seemed that just as plans got underway, I allowed others in my orbit to trump them. I allowed others to chase shiny things and drag me along. I moved across the country and over oceans several times. Each time more pages and plans would be scooped up and stored in boxes with hopes that when things calmed down, I’d be able to pull them back out and give them the focus they deserved.
Ernest attempts to do this were somehow waylaid for decades. Somehow people, places and things in my life pushed their way into the “urgent and important” quadrant of the Eisenhower matrix, relating my passions to the nice-to-have but-humbly-not-urgent category.
Every time I tried to refocus on me, new trains would leave the station. Many of those trains were forces of good: from the excitement for relocation across the country to the unavoidable instincts of female ovaries to procreate and nurture. And some were less good: like disorder-driven hijackings of time, emotions, and control over one’s own life. An uncanny cadence of chaos bombs in my life left me constantly reacting. I succeeded at defense and achieved a degree of safety. But for two decades, I remained unable to truly focus on my own goals.
Looking back, I have an image of me trying to simply bake one cake–for two decades–while others in my life continually tossed priceless vases into the air. Just as I’d try to crack an egg or stir the batter, I’d have to dive left and right to catch the next priceless object to prevent it from shattering on the floor. Any onlooker might say “it’s been years; why have you not finished baking your cake?” But I knew I’d single-handedly saved myriad priceless vases while patiently waiting for a chance to bake my cake. I now hold myself accountable for letting that carry on too long. And I hold myself accountable to never again be so patient.
During those decades, I was constantly working hard on developing new mindsets, life practices and boundaries. But the critical moments wherein I began to experience lasting change did not happen until recently when I finally became comfortable with disappointing others, especially those who control me with chaos. When I finally sat back watched the chaos monkeys toss those priceless vases–but did not react–I met with my fears and gained a new form of safety. I learned I could watch every dollar in my life get burned (or gambled) and still feel safer knowing I was free from controlling chaos.
Small acts of bravery grew into big ones, and as vases shattered into thousands of pieces around me, I gained awesome resolve. I grew a form of tunnel vision wherein my attention could not be hijacked. Only that which truly matter to me could win my time. Fear was no longer a hook. I realized when we are controlled by fear, it is like seeking safety by tethering a noose from one’s neck to a bucking bronco. When I’d hoped would be safe simply never was and never would be.
By releasing from the fear of losing everything precious, I grew invincibly strong. I developed confidence in my ability to rebuild everything as many times as I need to. I let go of saving the gambler who sought to empty accounts; drain the bank, I can rebuild. I let the lies, betrayals, and dangerous behaviors run amok. Free from fear, I guided myself into a new, productive and purposeful life further and further from all that chaos. I focused on my own role in the disorder of the past and designed a plan for the people, environments, and experiences I would allow into my every day.
KindEdge is a collection of the tools I built to ensure I would not fall victim to chaos bombs and everyday emergencies. If I could pile-drive some sort of action and visible progress into every day, I would eventually see success, and be further and further from the controls of chaos.
Ok, so this is enough on how I got here. I’m grateful for every teacher in my life, even the chaos monkeys. You can explore the following links if you want to learn a little more. Or carry on exploring the KindEdge tools in this site to get your goals in motion to unlock the alternate ending to your life.
About me basics
A turning point of sorts
Grew up proficient on riding a rollercoaster
Left home, self-explore, begin self cure, south africa (see other families) health, college, books, see what normal is, still very much outside of my own skin
College – great, fun, imperfect
Post college, dad died, trauma, carpet pulled out, but figured things out, persevered nonetheless (condo)
My me too:… (LINK – Skip de Lusional) – Job, fear, cornered, hijacked my power and goals, scrambled, reactivity, moved to Indiana – not the plan
Began to live in his disorder more and more.
Engaged, Wedding, gambling, set limits, got multiple therapists, was simply better controlled by lies, each one not uncovered until years later. Followed advice “relationship takes work” to my detriment. 2 decades, then done. Gifts: so much learned, never again.
Rebirth – counterintuitive learnings – had to be broken to finally be free. (En garde, phooey!). Just could not twist myself into a pretzel any further. Lost the ability to even hear manipulations or lies. They just pass through.
Words always anchor me
Freedom
Slow
YouTube Video
My KindEdge journey video gives a flavor of the path I trailblazed to shift from sustaining a chaotic purpose-muting life to simplifying everything, contracting to expand. https://youtu.be/wdlcV9kUtss